apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
