My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
