i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
