I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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