if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
