JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
