My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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