there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
