I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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