Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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