Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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