The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
