Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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