i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
