you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
