My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize