I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
