I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
