going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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