If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
