I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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