update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
