one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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