Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
