I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
