The maid of honor just puked.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
