I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I need moral support for this bender
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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