Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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