I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
