dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
