Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
