no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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