You really coming over, don't trick.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She has the best kind of daddy issues
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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