My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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