I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
