I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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