Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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