I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
