she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
