my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
