I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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