Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize