drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize