I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
