I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
