So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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