I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
