cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
