yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
