The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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