you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
