I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
