I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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