im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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