she woke up with a sticky ear
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
