I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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