I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize