Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
