I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
this boner is exhausting
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
