my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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