I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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