before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
