The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
