dude i'm inner monologue high
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
