hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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