We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize