Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize